Restaurants: Part 1 To The Chef

This is a 3 part post:

So lately I’ve read a whole slew of articles including This one written by chefs about what customers do to annoy them. Now don’t get me wrong, I know customers can be self centered obnoxious toads sometimes but let’s not forget the reason you have a job in the first place. These people you’re complaining about are putting food on your table. In light of that lets take a look at the things chefs do that annoy the average American restaurant goer. I’m not talking about foodies here. I’m talking about the average American. We know the difference between a t-bone and a flank steak but we don’t care so much about caviar and the cheek of rarest deep sea ugly fish.

The use of truffles and truffle oil: Truffles to me should be the little chocolates with a creamier chocolate filling and dusted with chocolate power, not a nasty looking fungus that’s hard to find and tastes like dirt. Honestly for the price I’d rather you line my plate with caviar, at least it won’t taste like the bottom of someone’s shoe. This is especially true when you’re making something really popular in America culture like steak and fries (AKA steak frites if you’re in a French restaurant). Don’t put truffle oil on fries. Fries should taste like potatoes, not the dirt they came from.

Pretention: You’re a chef. I come to you to make food that tastes good. That does not make you better than me, even if you’re famous. Just because you know how to prepare a mean risotto doesn’t mean you can look down your snooty nose at me when I ask you to make it without ricotta cheese (I’ve never seen it but you never know, someone somewhere may be making it). Again this is true with American classics. If you’re making a pizza at a fancy restaurant and you decide that on today’s menu you’re going to have your margarita pizza made with goat cheese from east India and someone asks for a margarita pizza made with mozzarella don’t be surprised. A margarita pizza is (and always should be, I’m looking at you Primavera Pizza Kitchen) made with fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil with one black olive in the middle. If you make a pizza that is not that, call it something different or be prepared to have special orders all night.

“We’ve run out of…”: I understand that you’re lamb chops are super popular, so should you. Order enough food to get through the rush. I know that sometimes you’re surprised by what’s popular on a given night so I can be forgiving if one thing is out of stock but if you tell me that you have no lasagna, gnocchi, lamb chops or mashed potatoes you damn well better be getting your tail to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make more. This is especially true on Friday and Saturday night. If you don’t have your kitchen properly stocked for Friday and Saturday night I probably won’t come back to your restaurant again until I know they have a new chef because you’ve failed basic chef responsibilities.

Giant portions: I’m only so big. I know I’m paying good money to go out to eat however I’m not always going straight home and I don’t carry a cooler in my car for my leftovers. I hate leaving a restaurant feeling like a heifer because I ate too much. Now to be fair it’s partly my fault because I keep eating but I’m a bit like a dog if it’s there I’ll eat it.

Salt: Salt is not the only seasoning. I would love to taste the pan fried chicken but there appears to be a crust of salt on it. I know they say that salt increases the other flavors while you’re cooking but you don’t need to use a ½ pound of salt per dish. I’m sure the tilapia will taste just as good with ½ the salt you planned on putting on it.

Last night's dinner

Last night’s dinner was terrible. I need to work on fast foods that don’t taste like they’re fast. Or more realistically I need to work on not burning my pasta sauce. Last night I decided at 7 that I should eat something before my workout. Frozen meatballs sounded like a great idea. I had a whole bunch in my freezer and I had a jar of sauce in the fridge. Easy right? Nope! I managed to burn the sauce to the bottom on the pot in a nice even layer of smelly burned tomato. I decided to eat the meatballs anyway because frankly I was hungry and didn’t have anything else readily available but peanut butter and bread and I wasn’t willing to wait for the bread to toast. So I sat like a dude in college eating my sad defrosted slightly charred meatballs on the couch watching Monday Night Football. Sad…. Very very sad. Next time I’m defrosting the chicken breast like I knew I should have and making stir fry. Lesson learned, don’t lose track of time while watching football and leave pasta sauce on medium heat for ½ hour. It will burn into a hard nasty disk and make you wish you still lived at home and had mom making dinner every night because even if you don’t like what she’s making it’s probably not as bad as burnt tomato sauce and crappy meatballs… unless she’s making salmon.
Let me explain. I hate salmon. I don’t know why. It may be irrational but I really can’t do cooked salmon. My Dad says I had a bad experience with a salmon and now I just can’t get over it. I like raw salmon. Give me sushi any day but as soon as you throw it on the grill or in the over it’s over for me. I’ll even eat it smoked but heat cooked and I’m out. I know people tell me “oh man you’re missing out, it’s so good!” It’s like telling a lifelong vegetarian they’re missing out on the wonderful flavors of a fillet. They don’t get it. However I do try. About once a year I’ll try salmon again just to make sure and never fail I just don’t like it.